We Hate Shidduchim

Pushy Shadchanim

2006-05-04T06:07:00.000-07:00

I've been quieter than usual lately, with finals a'coming.

Finals times reminds me of one annoying incident that took place last year. Because Pesach came out so late, and finals were right after, I took a long (and much-needed) break from dating, for about 4-6 weeks. If anyone would call me or my mother, we'd explain that I was on a break, not pursuing anyone now. Okay, maybe we'll research it, but no saying "yes" till after finals, when I'd have my head cleared and ready to decide on the myriads of girls lining up outside my door for the chance to spend an evening with the Angry Miserable Dater.

One particular shadchan decided he would have none of that. So when he told me about the girl and I responded with the usual BS: "listen, she sounds like a great girl, but you have to understand, I'm busy studying now, and I'm getting a lot of calls, etc.," he would have none of that. He just kept going on and on about how amazing this girl was, and how I should go out with her as soon as I started dating again. I nearly hung up on the guy, but eventually said "I'll think about it and call you back."

He kept calling me and tried selling the girl like a used car, and, with the pressure of finals on my mind and this guy on my back, I just capitulated. I said yes. I went out. It was nothing special. And I still hate pushy shadchanim.

- To me, the shadchan is just doing me a favor. She's like the guy offering me a ride on the way home from shul. I can say yes if I want to, but if it's a nice day and I want to walk home, that should be acceptable too. No guy in his right mind would say, "no, you have to come into my car! I'm not letting you walk home! I don't care what you want to do!" If the person wants to decline your offer, for whatever reason, that should be fine. And with shidduchim, it should be the same thing.

Now, I know some of you will say, "but the guys and girls making these decisions are so young and immature, and sometimes they don't know what they're looking for. That's why they need an adult to push them to go out with people that are good for them." Stupidity. If the girl is gonna say "no" for a stupid reason (like in KIA's story), so be it. It's not your problem. If the guy says no because he'll only go out with a Pamela Anderson lookalike, don't bother him. Maybe tell him he's being a little unrealistic, but don't get pushy. Besides, if the guy is going to act so irrationally, would you want to set him up with a decent girl? Let him come to his senses when he's 28 and single.

- While the above shadchan was making me crazy, my mother kept telling me, "you know, Dad only went out with me because the shadchan was pushy."

Stories like that do nothing for me. For every person who was pushed by a shadchan and went out on a date, there are a hundred who were pushed and had a date from gehinnom. Besides, in my situation, there were plenty of girls that I WANTED to go out with! So that jerk had no right to stick his butt in where it didn't belong. If his girl even belonged on my list, she should've been rock bottom.

The Age Issue

2006-04-28T09:13:00.000-07:00

Tried to make a shidduch between a 25-year-old Flakewood boy and 20-year-old girl who is looking for a learner.

Was told by a friend of the girl's that 25 is too old.

You know what? If you're (God forbid) 30 and single, I don't want to hear it. I mean, come on. WTF?

All I hear about in the chareidi circles is the shidduch crisis. So many good girls and not enough good boys. Very competitive. Nebach.

So here I come along with a nice fellow, who is not a freak, not a psychopath, and without hesitation, NO.

What's the deal? There are a couple of possibilities:

(a) The assumption is that at 25, he must not be a great guy because the really good ones get taken right away. Ergo, there must be something wrong with him.

(b) Because he's five years her senior, they won't have enough in common.

Here's how I'd respond to both: If you're going to throw (a) at me, it's a double standard, because when a girl is 25, we can't say she's over the hill. She "slipped through the cracks" but is completely normal, a great girl who's just been unlucky, blah blah blah. Why can't the same be said about the guy? Granted, if it's a guy's market you'd think the odds would be lower, but whatever happened to dan lekaf zchus?

As far as (b) goes, how do you know just based on age? Maybe he's got a youthful heart (notice I didn't say immature heart), or maybe the fact that he's older than a 21-year-old means he's more mature, more responsible, more serious, et cetera.

It's times like these that make me think the whole shidduch crisis is a sham and merely a cheap ploy for sympathy.

Dating Books

2006-04-21T12:03:00.000-07:00

I can probably write this post in a sentence: if you're relying on books to tell you what to look for in a prospective spouse, do every guy out there a favor and get the hell off the market, because you're not ready to date!

Most of the stuff they tell you in these speeches is just plain common sense (and I'm not talking about the propoganda stuff like "you have to marry a learning guy," which is a whole other discussion). "Look for midos" is what they tell you. Duh! You're going to be spending the rest of your life with this person! I would hope they're a nice guy!

A friend of mine once told me about a sheet of topics not to discuss on a first date. One of them was "bad traits." Just in case you thought talking about your anger problem would really turn the girl on.

My all-time favorite has to be from the cheat sheet in Joy Browne's "Dating for Dummies," where she tells women not to comment on a guy's receding hairline. As if a girl would be dumb enough to say, "wow, I just love that combover on you! It looks great! Especially when it gets windy and it starts flapping all around!"

Now, on some level, everyone lacks common sense. And everyone occasionally needs a reminder of how things should be in order to keep them from doing anything crazy. The Mesillas Yesharim in his Hakdama writes that his sefer is filled with things that are pretty much obvious; it's merely serving as a reminder and wake-up call to tell us what our ideals should be.

But when it comes to dating and getting married, I would hope the lack of common sense would be pretty small. And to fill in those gaps, it would suffice to talk to a friend or sibling about dating.

But if someone is so clueless as to need a whole book about the dating process, then they should wait till they mature or get a little street-smart before going out.

I guess in our society, where every 19-year old girl is deemed "ready to get married," common sense is no longer a prerequisite for dating and marriage. And that's probably why some of these books sell so well.

Kids From Divorced Homes

2006-04-09T19:01:00.000-07:00

Let's say you're set up with someone from a divorced home. Do you dump them right away? Give them a fair shot? Does it even matter?

I say, red flag, but don't dump them. If you can, find out how messy the divorce was. The messier it was, the bigger the red flag is. You can't ignore the fact that divorce can be traumatizing for kids. It can really screw kids up. I'm sure everyone out there knows at least one kid from a divorced home that either went off the derech, had a nervous breakdown, etc.

There are also families with a history of divorce for many generations. That's a major red flag, and a sign of some serious, serious issues. Tread carefully.

On the other hand, though, I know a lot of kids from divorced homes who are very well adjusted. And conversely, there are many kids from homes with "happy" marriages who are seriously screwed up! And, in a way the kids from the settled homes can be trickier, because there are no red flags. While it's pretty easy to just brush someone off because their parents were divorced, the kids from the "normal" homes have a somewhat easier time hiding their issues. The lack of a red flag means that people may not be as conscious of subtle problems that come across during the dating process.

Besides, sometimes divorce can be beneficial for child-raising. I think it's better for a kid to be raised by a mom alone that by a "happily married" couple that's screaming at each other every night and only staying together for the kids' reputations.

And that's why having a "no divorces" policy is stupid. There are some great kids out there who just happen to be from divorced homes. What's more reasonable is to do extra research and be extra careful when dating them.

-- I know that many of you were offended by "Know It All"'s last post, and wanted to apologize for that.

But I do sense a bit of a double standard, though. Many of my rabbeim have made similar comments about YU and the Modern Orthodox community. (I still remember my high school principal bashing the non-existent gay clubs in YU.) Publications like the JO and the Yated also blast these communities and many of their leaders. But I don't hear anyone yell "self-hating Jew" or "lashon hora" about that stuff. It's something to think about.

Dating Chassidim

2006-04-05T10:07:00.000-07:00

You know who pisses me off? Yael Respler. She wrote in the Jewish Depressed many years ago that a girl from a "Litvishe" background should consider dating a boy from a Chassidishe background and vice versa. She reasons as follows: Just because the boy is Chassidish, it doesn't mean they can't relate. Yes, there will be some differences in minhagim, but not every boy from the Chassidishe background is totally Chassidish, blah blah blah.

In other words, you want the fakers among them.

Yael Respler is totally wrong on this one. Who the hell would want their kids marrying Chassidim? Certainly not me! Who the hell are the Chassidim anyway? Let's see, they:

(a)Broke the traditions of their forefathers;

(b) Clearly violate the halacha (z'man tefillah, for one);

(c) Learn kaballah even though they have no business doing so;

(d) Think they're brighter than you are, especially if you're too stupid to screw the government;

(e) Think college is evil, so it's better to have 15 kids with no way to support them (then again, see the entry above and you'll know how they do it);

(f) Riot and start fires in the streets;

(g) Think their rebbe (who could be a nine-year-old, if the kid's dad was the rebbe and died) is God;

And the list goes on. But the "mainstream" yeshiva world gives them a free pass. Why? A couple of chumrahs (cholov yisroel, separation of the sexes, white-shirt-black-pants, etc.), and they're holy, holy people that we can only aspire to be like, hence the Chassidishization of the Litvish.

Yeah, yeah, I know they're not all bad, there are some good ones, but people like Yael Respler give them a free pass no matter what they do, so when someone suggests a Chassidishe boy for your daughter, you're supposed to get all horny.

What if you suggested a good, serious YU boy for a Chassidishe girl? They'd throw you out on your ass. Because YU is evil. Why? Because the Yeshivish said so. The Chassidim are high and mighty, and the rest of us are lowly individuals who can only aspire to be like them.

So if someone wants to set you up with a Chasid, stay far, far away.

Giving Reasons For Dumping Someone

2006-03-30T07:35:00.000-08:00

One of the worst parts of the shidduch system, right down there with one of those "over before it started" dates, has got to be getting dumped.

Most people never say why they dumped someone. Far too often, I've heard the words, "she had a great time, but it just wasn't for her." What does that mean? How could she know? After just 3 hours? The mystery can be very frustrating. And if you liked the person who dumped you, there's that agonizing debate in your head that goes on: "if I would've done this differently, maybe she would've said yes," or, "was it something I said?" Then you have the people who just say, "it was hashkafos." Which is sometimes accurate, but often just a cover for a real reason.

There's a lot to be discussed about dumping and being dumped, but I'd like focus on one particular issue today: giving reasons. Are these things better left unsaid, so that the dumpee's feelings aren't hurt? Or perhaps all of us can use some constructive criticism, right?

For me, there are three categories in question here: a) people who dump others for things beyond their control, b) people who dump others for things they can control, and c) people who dump others for ridiculous reasons.

If someone dumps somebody else because they were too nerdy, too fat, or too stupid, just don't bring it up. They can't do anything about it anyway, so why make them feel like an idiot. Now, some of the obese people can do something about their situation (Weight Watchers, anyone?), but most of them are aware of the situation, and they're probably not too happy about it. And if they're totally oblivious to their weight problem, then let a good friend break the news to them ("did it ever occur to you that most men aren't attracted to 200-pounders?").

And if it's something that someone can control, I think it would be helpful to mention it. A friend of mine went out with a girl, and he enjoyed her company very much. He got dumped, however, and was very disappointed. Eventually, his mother found out why he was dumped. Word was that he was too negative on the date. That's the kind of thing that some people need to hear. I'm sure the guy had this criticism in the back of his mind on future dates. So if it's something someone can reasonably fix, why not mention it? Dating can be so frustrating, because there's no feedback. And some people need that.

And if you dump someone for a stupid reason, just leave it to yourself. Keep your reputation intact.

-- Heard a really awful cover-up reason that I heard recently: a friend of mine said he was dumped because "he seemed too "yekkish." Like if something was called for 7:30, he'd show up on time. And I don't know if I can live with that." Now, either the chassidishization of the litvish is totally out of control, or there are some really pathetic liars out there.

Bald Guys

2006-03-27T11:54:00.000-08:00

I'm sick of excuses that a guy must keep his hat on for three hours on a date because he's losing his hair and he's insecure about it. That's funny, because I know plenty of bald guys who've gotten married (and yes, they needed rugs when they were single), and some guys with plenty of hair who are older singles. So how is it that baldness causes one to be single?

If the guy is insecure, it's not about the hair. There are way more issues, and he's using the baldness as a cheap excuse as if to say, hey, it ain't my fault I'm bald.

Exactly! If it's something you can't control, why be insecure about it? If you're a good guy with brains, a decent job, a sense of humor, and personality, you'll do okay for yourself with or without a full head of hair.

So quit keeping the hat on the whole time (which begs the question, does he wear his hat in the bathroom, too?), or the comb-over, which doesn't fool anyone with a quarter of a brain. Let it shine! Show the girl that you're mature enough to deal with it, not a schmuck who's trying to hide it. If you're a good catch with the aforementioned attributes, any girl who turns you down on the basis of your baldness alone is a shallow a-hole.

Take Your Stupid Hat Off!

2006-03-24T05:57:00.000-08:00

I was in a restaurant a few nights ago and there were quite a few shidduch dates. Ah, the bad old days. Anyway, the guy on the table next to mine was wearing his hat the whole time. Now what the hell is that all about?

I understand wearing a hat to the girl's house, or even walking the streets with her, but to keep it on the whole time you're sitting there eating, what is the deal? For all intents and purposes, the guy looked like a nut. Unless that's what the yeshivish world has come to today, which is sad.

Maybe the guy needs a rug. Stupid schmuck, let it shine! Plenty of balding guys get married, and with the whole honesty issue in a relationship, how's that for a start? And why the heck didn't the girl say anything? She ought to be embarrassed sitting there with a freak. She could kindly suggest that he remove his Borsalino by saying, "Why don't you take off your hat? It's okay, I won't mind. I won't think you're a shaygetz."

Do you know how tempted I was to walk behind the guy and elbow the darn thing off his head?

Maybe the guy lost his yarmulke. Come to think of it, that's probably what happened, so I really ought to judge him favorably. All right then, disregard this entire post.

Picky or Selective? Part 1

2006-03-22T13:14:00.000-08:00

This is one of the most controversial and complex topics in the shidduch world. So let's start things off slowly.

Someone I spoke to recently told me one of the dumbest things I've ever heard. "95% of people can marry each other, if they're willing to compromise and work things out."

Now on the face of it, I don't disagree (my apologies to Ed Coleman) with what the guy said. Of course almost anyone can get married to one another. Every marriage involves a challenge on some level - some have minor challenges, others are more difficult. But as my mother would say, if people are willing to "wimp, wimp, wimp," of course they can make things work.

My problem with what the guy said is that he implied that this was an approach people should have in mind when looking for the one. In other words, don't be so discerning. Just marry almost anyone out there and things will just work themselves out.

To me, the statement is like saying "95% of Americans can own a car." This is probably true. But go deeper. What kind of car can they own? An '06 Lexus? Or merely a '74 Ford Pinto?

Okay, so 95% of people can get married to one another and live to talk about it. But are those successful marriages? Are the husband and wife happy or miserable? Are the two simply compromising to the point where their nerves are frayed and they're just staying together because child support is too expensive? Is the couple in love with one another, or are they merely roommates?

So of course you can marry anyone and make it work. But there's a good chance that such a marriage will be a '74 Ford Pinto.

So how selective must one be? And when does someone cross the line from "selective" to "picky"? Is there even such a line? TBC.

Those Friggin' Rules!

2006-03-20T20:29:00.000-08:00

One of the oldest and most discussed topics in the shidduch world has to be all the unwritten “rules” of the system.

And good luck trying to figure out exactly what these rules are. There are, of course, no official rules or anything of the sort. The rules vary from sect to sect of the Orthodox community (for example, the “phone call” before the date). And then you've got some people who just make up their own rules, just for the heck of it. You have the rules about how to dress (suit? black hat?), where to go (lounges only on a first date?), how to behave yourself (open the door for the girl, walk her back to her door) and even what to talk about.

Most people scoff at these rules. It seems like people follow them out of fear of being dumped for violating them, even as they complain about how silly or useless many of them are.

I once had a bad experience with the rules. After a long day of school and not in the mood of the hour-plus drive to the girl’s house, I decided not to wear a suit that night. Additionally, the girl wasn’t from Brooklyn, so I figured it wouldn’t be a big deal. Turns out that the girl and I had a very good time that night. But I got dumped anyway. Why? Because I wasn’t wearing a suit.

But in spite of the above incident, I still think that, for many daters, especially people new to the shidduch scene, rules are very helpful.

After all, most people in the shidduch system have had little to no exposure to talking to members of the opposite sex who are not family members. Think about it. Many of the guys and girls who went out in high school either end up marrying each other or finding someone in college. Why bother with the shidduch system if you can find someone without it?

But for someone who is new to talking to girls, the shidduch system can seem pretty intimidating. How does the girl expect me to dress? Where would she want to go? What do her parents want to see? Nobody wants to screw up and end up 35 and single, God forbid. So even for a guy who’s got great social skills and is a very popular guy among his yeshiva buddies, the shidduch system is a totally different ballgame.

And that’s where the rules come in and make life easier. You know what to wear on the date. You know where to take the girl. And very often, you know what to expect from the person you’re going out with.

Have some of the rules gotten a little crazy and out of control? Absolutely. And do some people take them too seriously? For sure (like that girl who dumped me). But when it comes down to it, the rules are a necessary evil.

What to Order on Dates

2006-03-20T20:07:00.000-08:00

When you're in a restaurant, certain foods are better to order than others.

Spaghetti - not a good idea. It's hard to eat neatly, you get sauce all over the place, it's not conducive to sharing....

Deli sandwiches - generally a good choice, unless you stuff it with mustard, cole slaw, pickles, and God knows what else. Then you run the risk of having a lot of it fall out when you take a bite. But otherwise, a neat food. Also, if you're not a pro with the fork and knife, this is what you want.

Fish - good for two reasons: (a) easy to eat neatly; and (b) gives the girl the impression you're health-conscious.

Steak - not crazy about it because it's a big shotty food. They're expensive, and why show the girl that you're high maintenance and hard to please? Be a little more low key. Sometimes less is more.

Sushi - better to avoid as a main for reasons listed above (with steak), but okay to have a roll as an appetizer.

- Always order a soda, even if you prefer water. The girl may feel uncomfortable ordering a drink if you're not, so don't put her in a situation where she wants a Pepsi but won't order one because you selected tap water in what may be perceived as an effort to cheap out. Not exactly putting the ball in your court.

- You almost can't go wrong with anything chicken. If you must have meat, kebobs are fine. Of course, if you always eat the chicken off the bone, you're probably better off with boneless chicken or again, a sandwich. Wings are a big no-no. Talk about messy. If you're in a dairy joint and you're not a fish fan, try some other pasta dish where the noodles are smaller, such as ravioli or baked ziti. But watch the cheese.

- If you're sharing dessert and it's a piece of cake, split it beforehand (offering her the bigger piece, obviously), because it's uncomfortable for a girl, especially during the first couple of dates, to eat off the same plate as you, no matter how hot you think you are.

Older Singles - A Bunch of Sinners

2006-03-16T22:02:00.004-08:00

A girl ran this theory by me recently - any frum single guy over the age of 30 has had sex at least once.

Seems a little radical, but she may be on to something. After all, with raging hormones, that don't seem to subside with age, how exactly does an older single deal with sexual desires? I got married at 22 and even then I was going crazy....

God gave all men strong desires. Otherwise, why marry and procreate? Obviously these desires are so strong that you see people ruin their lives in moments of lust. Keep in mind, however, that man also has the power to control his desires. But how?

I'm not convinced that most men know the answer to that question. So unless there's some sort of medical problem, I almost have to agree with the above theory. That or the guy is looking at pornographic web sites all night.

With single girls, the problem is probably less common, although it may be more common than you'd like to believe. What can I tell you? There's crazy stuff going on out there.

So get married early. Because the older you get, (a) the more you'll sin; and (b) the more people will suspect you're a homo.

Female Fakers

2006-03-13T11:18:00.000-08:00

When I was single, the most frustrating thing was this - a girl who wouldn't talk to a guy because she was too frum, but when you'd happen to overhear her with her girlfriends, she was boy crazy.

I knew a bunch of those. Or, they'd talk to the faker guys, because somehow, it was kosher to talk to a guy with a white shirt and black velvet.

Well these horny girls never fooled me! The bottom line is they want everything - they want the type of guy their teachers brainwashed them to want (a black-hatter), but they want to have fun and be all into guys as well. So they pick and choose which circumstances to act all frum and which ones to be sluts.

So they'll dress like whores, but they'll never talk to me.

They'll be loud morons in the Brooklyn College cafeteria, but if you look at them, they'll give you a flithy look back as if to say, how dare you look at me, you perv!

Luckily there are just as many male fakers out there, so they'll have their pick. Good for them. I just hope the good guys don't end up with these dogs.

"If It Wasn't a Total Disaster..."

2006-03-08T10:39:00.000-08:00

I just wanted to follow up LFAWG's take on yes/no after a first date with my take.

To me, it comes down to one question: "would you look forward to a second date with this person?" I think this question encompasses many of the issues LFAWG brought up. If the other person was repulsively ugly, too frum, or too much of a jerk, you would likely dread a second date. This would also be true if there was no chemistry or connection.

Some people are very liberal about saying "yes" after a first date. This includes my mother, who inspired the title to this post. Unless it was a date from gehinnom, they say, one should be open-minded. One time, after I dumped a girl following the first date, the shadchan said, "after my first date, I hated my future husband! And I ended up marrying the guy!" (She probably exaggerated - which is likely how she sold me on going out with the girl to begin with.)

I've gone out a lot, and I can say this: if the first date stunk, it's not gonna get much better. Very often, I had experiences where the first date was great, but the second date was bad. The opposite? NEVER happened. Not once. If the first date was ho-hum, the second date wasn't ever any better.

I do think the main factor to focus on (of all the factors LFAWG discussed), when deciding after the first date, is whether you had a good time. Not necessarily a great or incredible time (won't usually happen on a first date), but simply whether you enjoyed the other person's company.

Looks? Unless the person is really awful-looking, they will grow on you. Midos? Aside from the occasional person with glaring negatives, they're hard to get a read on after one date. People can put on a good show. And hashkafos? You know my take on that already.

So if you were bored during the first date, don't waste your time. It won't get much better. Besides, one of the worst feelings in shidduchim is saying "yes" and then thinking, "why the hell did I just do that?" Followed by one of those "let me knock this off as quickly as I can" dates. Which are always lots of fun.

Yes or No--After Date #1

2006-03-08T09:49:00.000-08:00

After a date, there is the agonizing experience of deciding whether you want to see this person again.

There are many factors involved, and some are more important than others.

Are you attracted to him/her? If you aren't, they'll tell you maybe the looks will grow on you, and that whole business. If you find him/her repulsive, don't even bother with a second date, because it will simply be a waste of time.

Did you have a good time? Well, life is not all about having a good time. However, if you enjoy the other person's company, it's definitely grounds for a second date. As you've read, I'm always ready to go home after 2 hours. One time, I enjoyed myself so much, I was almost disappointed when the guy took me home. That was a first!

Are your Hashkafos on par? Sometimes people set you up, and don't know you very well. So you might end up going out with someone who listens to "English" music. Music is a big part of people's lives, so it won't necessarily work out well. Or this person might go to the movies and consider it significant. Things like that.

Similarly, if they have completely differing views on contemporary issues, like "Teens at Risk," (how contemporary is that, really?) blogging, the Bais Yaakov and Yeshiva systems, society in general, this might lead to strife later on.

Does the person sound smart? When I'm on a date and countless grammatical errors jump out at me, I am thoroughly turned off. I'm not saying that anyone's grammar/usage has to be perfect, I know that mine isn't either, but when the errors are basic concepts taught in Jr. High...it's not a turn-on. Also consider the arguements they present, if any. If you talk about nothing the whole date, and don't bring up any issues--you're either both shallow, or one of you is. But if s/he says something that doesn't make any rational sense, it's something to think about.

Does s/he treat you and others well? This is more for the girls, since it's the guy who has to "serve" the woman all night, holding open doors, picking up the tab, walking her to the door (or out of the car, at least) You can see a lot from someone's mannerisms. I mean, if either gender speaks with disrespect to the date, or about others, it's simply suicide. Generally speaking, though, are they kind, gentle, friendly, etc. Two guys in particular were really friendly to the people behind the counter/waiter wherever we went, which really made my decision difficult.

Everyone has different priorities, so I can't discuss many more things since they might only be important to me. Some might care about the Black Hat, others don't. Some don't mind smoking, others do. Same goes for learning, minyanim, wardrobe, tv exposure, what have you...

I Agree

2006-03-08T09:34:00.000-08:00

Know it All's post about arguing got me thinking about some dates I've been on.

Don't just "agree," build on your answer! I hate when I spew out my opinion on something only to have the guy say, "Yeah, you're right." Why not a, "Yeah, you're right, because when I was in Yeshiva..." or something like that. This way, you launch conversation-you run the risk of getting off the topic and not being able to share something, but this risk is far better than that of an awkward silence.

Now, if you disagree, obviously you have to back it up as well. I think what KIA said was kinda obvious, which is- don't get all huffy and stubborn and say, "No, I'm telling you it's...." I once had an arguement about some song. I knew what I was talking about. I just figured I'll agree because it's better than arguing about something stupid and meaningless.

One guy asked me if I approve of something that I cannot stand, and won't tolerate. I was tempted to just say it doesn't bother me, because I knew I'd never see the loser again, and why argue. But it was something that I am so against, I told him straight out, "I don't approve." Till then, I was kind of expecting a "yes" from him. After I told him I don't approve, and shot down all of his justifications, I figured it would be mutual. Sure enough, he said "yes" anyway.

Was it that I had the guys to disagree with him? Was he simply testing me? Was it the manner in which I disagreed with him?

I don't know. But I am a firm believer in standing by what you believe (in something significant, not necessarily which year Cheers debuted) and possibly risking the date because of it.

Slow Down, You Crazy Child

2006-03-03T14:43:00.000-08:00

So one of the commentors brought up speed dating. Some people think it's the solution to the shidduch crisis; others think that it would simply make for fewer angry, miserable daters.

I say it's a bad idea, and here's why:

Most people need a few minutes to warm up to one another. While first impressions are very important, I have been on numerous dates where it took a little while for the girl to calm her nerves and have a good time. Besides, many people need a few minutes to feel comfortable with someone who's basically a total stranger. It's human nature. I think everyone deserves a short "grace period" at the outset of the date.

In speed dating, of course, there's no such "grace period." And it's entirely prevalent that one would dump a girl because she was too quiet, when, had he given her a little while longer, he would have seen that she's got a lot to talk about.

The only thing you can possibly judge on speed dating? Looks. And even then, a lot of girls who seem average-looking at first will grow on you after a while.

So I think the only thing that speed-dating is useful for is avoiding getting stuck spending 3 hours with a hideous-looking girl that you would never say "yes" to, even if she was the only female left on Earth.

Although I dislike speed dating, I still think the unofficial 3-hour standard for first dates is too long. I've been on dates where I realized rather quickly that we weren't for one another: either the girl was too ugly, was looking for a macher, or freaked out because i had seen a movie in the past six months. Or there was absolutely no chemistry. Yet there was that pressure to stick it out for three hours, because if I would've ended the date after an hour and a half, it would've been a major slap in the face.

I think the first date should be an hour and a half; maybe 2 hours max, unless the guy and girl hit it off right away.

Arguing on Dates

2006-03-03T06:52:00.000-08:00

My philosophy has always been about putting the ball in your court. Part of how you do that is to be easygoing and not try to be Mr. Cool and Mr. Clever. A lot of schmucks think that if a girl says something that the guy knows is clearly wrong, by correcting her, he'll look like a genius.

Wrongo. That doesn't mean that you have to agree with everything she says. There's a way to disagree or argue.

Let's suppose the argument is fact-based. She says that the TV show Cheers started in 1985. You know that that's not true - it actually debuted in 1982. So how do you tell her?

THE A-HOLE WAY: No, that's wrong! It started in 1982. You can look it up! I know my stuff when it comes to TV. (Girl's reaction: arrogant bastard.)

THE NORMAL WAY: Are you sure? I think I remember reading that it debuted in 1982. I could be mistaken.... Maybe I'll look it up when I get home. (Of course, you know damn well that it was 1982!) (Girl's reaction: a mentch!)

Of course, with something so trivial it may be worthwhile to not say anything at all and let the matter go. So she thinks it started in 1985. Who cares?

Opinions are even worse because yes, they are subjective, so there is no right or wrong opinion, but suppose the argument comes up about spending a year in Israel.

She says, "Oh, it was wonderful. I got to tour, grow spiritually, made such close friends, learn a lot ... I think every girl should go to seminary in Israel for a year."

You disagree. So here we go.

THE A-HOLE WAY: Oh, come on. It's such a waste of money. I know so many girls that frummed out for a year and then went back to being bums. They brainwash you over there, and either it wears off, or you remain a fruitcake. It's expensive, and for what? You can go on a tour in the summer for six weeks, and go to sem here and college at the same time. And how many girls spend every night on Ben Yehudah just slutting around....

THE NORMAL WAY: I can see why you feel that way, there certainly is some good that can come out of spending the year in Israel, but there's also the other side. I mean, you can see how for some girls, it could be a waste of time....

There's also the strategy of throwing your opinion onto someone else. "My cousin thinks it's a waste of time...."

I'm not telling you to be a total sap and just go along with everything she says. I know some guys have that strategy, and it's dumb, because the girls like to see some backbone - the smart ones see right through it. As much as you connect, you'll never achieve a situation where the two of you agree on everything. So going along with "seminary-is-great" when you don't think so is horrid. She'd rather you disagree if you really feel that way, albeit in a polite way.

Now if you and the girl disagree on so many issues, it may be worthwhile to consider if it's really a good idea to marry the girl. But at least you'll be the one deciding that.

Does Anybody Really Know What Time It Is?

2006-03-01T22:02:00.000-08:00

Consider this more of a "venting" piece, but one thing I can't stand about dating is that there's often no way to figure out what time it is (if you're lucky, maybe there's a big clock on the wall somewhere). Like, you know the date's not going anywhere, you have class tomorrow, and, if you're like me, you wanna go out with your buddies after and vent about the date from gehinnom that you just experienced.

But I don't know, maybe I'm just a nice guy, but I feel bad letting even the worst date end too early. I think everyone, even fat, ugly girls with no personality, deserves a fair shot. Especially the ugly ones. They probably get 1 and 1/2 hour dates from impatient guys. So I try to make it look like I'm actually giving them a fair shot. So as long and agonizing as the date may be, I give the girl at least 2-3 hours.

Problem is, those 2-3 hours can feel a lot longer. And, I don't wear a watch. So I have no idea whether it's been 1 hours, 2 hours, whatever.

And because I'm trying to give the girl a fair shot, I'm not gonna whip out my cellphone to see what time it is. That wouldn't be too subtle now, would it? But I figure that even if I was wearing a watch, it would be slightly more conspicuous if I was looking at it.

When things really go downhill, I just go to the bathroom and pull out my cell, just to know what time it is. ("It's only 9:15!? What the ****?") And maybe call a friend and vent like hell.

"Do you wear seatbelts on dates?"

2006-02-27T07:52:00.000-08:00

As we all know, there are many rules that apply when Shidduch dating, like wearing a suit, not taking along a handbag, not ordering a Diet Coke, eating only half your food and not more, etc. (oh, and by the way, the people who write "ect." really need to get a clue) The list goes on.

Many people have asked if we should add a new rule to the list. Unless it already exists, and I am unaware.

Should a girl wear a seatbelt on a date?

I mean, after all, if the guy (who usually drive like Animals--just kidding, Know It All, and AMD) makes a short stop, and the girl goes flying, and ends up gashed and bleeding, it's all worth it, because the boy was not able to sneak a peek and the assets while he drove. Or, better yet, nothing will happen to her because she was so careful about her Tznius.

Come on, how stupid is that? If the guy wants to see a woman's figure, he knows how and where to get it. It's not "tzniusdik" to have the shoulderstrap in an opportune place. Besides the fact that if the girl is well-endowed, he'll see it whether she wears a seatbelt or not. If the girl is not well-endowed, the seatbelt won't make much of a difference anyway.

So where does that leave us?

More on Material

2006-02-22T20:20:00.000-08:00

FYI: This started off as a comment to Know-It-All's piece, and before I knew it, it was too long to be a comment, so I figured "what the heck, I'll just turn it into a post." So you might wanna read his piece first:

Another issue with relying upon prepared material is that the girl might have a totally different idea of what's A and what's B material. People's senses of humor can be a lot different, especially considering the guy/girl divide. For example, some people are big fans of Seinfeld-style humor, while others can't stand that stuff.

And with the stories, too. Most girls will lap up the Paysach Krohn / Visions of Greatness type of stories, but you'll occasionally come across some more cynical types who won't care too much for it. Or, you'll get the type who pretend to care ("wow, really!? That's amazing!"), while inside they're thinking, "when's this creepy guy gonna take me home already?"

From my experience, some of my anecdotes have been met with hearty laughter, while other girls gave me a very strange look, a face that seemed to say "do you really think that's funny?"

So if you have to come on to using material on a date, make sure you've gotten some sort of a read on what her sense of humor is like, and what kind of stories she'd appreciate. And, of course, come in with enough diverse material so that you'll be able to please the girl no matter what. I try to have some YU humor, some yeshivish humor, Woody Allen lines, etc. because you never know what'll "click." And definitely stay away from the dirty jokes, unless you're sure that she's cool with it. Otherwise, you can kill all your chances with one off-color line.

Then again, if you're spaced in enough to realize what kind of material the girl will go for, chances are you're smart enough to connect with her, talk about stuff that truly interests her, and not have to resort to "material." So in a weird sort of way, the whole issue is a non-starter.

The only thing is, it's worth throwing in some of your material just to see if the girl has a similar personality/ sense of humor/ appreciation for such things.

-- As an aside, someone defended the 28-year old mentioned in Know It All's piece, saying that "you can't give the guy a hard time! He's just trying to be himself! His personality is such that he loves telling over all his material!" That's just plain stupidity. If someone has a road rage issue and curses out every driver that cuts him off, should he do that on a date because that's "being himself"? Gimme a break.

There's a fine line between putting on a total show and being yourself, warts and all. And crossing that fine line is one of the keys to successful dating. And worthy of a piece in and of itself.

Preparing Material for Dates

2006-02-21T06:14:00.000-08:00

I'm not here to discuss what you should talk about on dates; I'll leave that for Angry Miserable Dater. Instead, I'll give my take on preparing material for dates.

Stories, anecdotes, thoughts, takes, and whatever else you have, can probably be classified into three categories: A Material, B Material, and C Material. A Material is the stuff that has 'em rolling every time. It's a slam dunk story that will ooh and ah the girl. It's a cool enough story that it would probably make Visions of Greatness volume 13. B Material is stuff that's pretty good, won't wow anyone, but interesting nonetheless. C Material is iffy - she could love it or look at you like you have five heads. It's decent, but doesn't knock anyone's socks off.

So the theory that a friend and I devised (that worked like a charm, I might add) is this: The first date or two, don't use any material if possible. That's right. The girl will dictate what is discussed. Now I realize there's a temptation to spit out all your good stuff to really impress her, but hold back.

(As an aside, a 28-year-old fellow was set up with my wife's friend. They went out twice. She said no. She said he was very chatty, but to a point where she didn't think he was interested in anything she had to say. Now had the putz taken my advice, who knows. Instead, he came loaded with material, and that's all that mattered. Now he's back to square one.)

So the best is to let the girl discuss what interests her. You should be able to add or participate even without using your stash. If she wants to discuss her year in Israel, go along with it. I don't think I have anything that I'd consider even C Material that has to do with Israel, but again, it's not about me. I could always give my take on Israeli pizza, the guys in my yeshiva, the Israelis, and whatever, but I'm not going to try to change the subject and talk about what I want to talk about until she's done.

Now if the girl is quiet, or there's a lull in the conversation, then on the first date, I may pull out some of my B Material, just to give her a glimpse. You don't want to fire all your bullets right away, which is why I save the majority of my A Material for the third date. Second date you do some B and C, and maybe an A. The third date is critical - that usually tells where the relationship is headed. So that's when you give it all you've got. At some point, it won't be about material because by after many dates, you'll have to decide. But again, this is all about getting to that point.

Ugly Girls

2006-02-15T10:56:00.000-08:00

Contrary to popular belief, not every guy needs a supermodel. After all, I've seen ugly girls get married. It's not that they can't; it's that they just have a harder time than everyone else.

The cliche is that all guys think they're hot, and all girls think they're ugly. So a girl who's genuinely ugly has got to know that her looks are just not happening. If the hotties think, "I'm such a dog," then certainly the dogs know what they're all about.

So what's an ugly girl to do? Answer: Shine in all other areas. That means you have to score points on all the other scales to balance things out.

Rich, for instance, is a big one for many guys. So if you're ugly but rich, you have a huge advantage. Not over the pretty girls, but the points you get for having money somewhat makes up for your lack of looks.

But what if being rich wasn't in the cards? Then you have to look at other areas. The ones I would focus most on are NICE and FUNNY.

Funny is important, but you could make the argument that it's one of those either-you-got-it-or-you-don't kind of things, which leads me to nice.

A pretty but bitchy girl will probably have better success than an ugly but nice girl. Even so, you have to do what you can. So if you're ugly, you better be SUPER NICE. That means friendly, not blowing guys off, not having a holier-than-thou attitude (as they say in Woodmere), and not doing anything that would make a guy say, "I don't like her."

So if a guy goes up to you to say hello, never ever ever give him the cold shoulder - if you're ugly, that is. Yes, a babe can do that and get a free pass. But you need to do everything to get points in your favor. So if you're going to be rude, or give one word answers, you'll be in deep doo-doo. Even if you're not in the mood, and even if you think the guy is a creep, be super nice. Because if you aren't, he could tell others (who are not creeps) about you and that definitely won't help. And anyway, who said he's automatically hitting on you? And even if he is, that doesn't mean you're committing to date the guy! If you're not into the guy, you can tell him in a nice way without being a bitch. And make sure to be nice to him afterwards!

I see ugly girls who are rude and I just don't get it. I don't understand what the hell these girls are thinking. Wake up, you delusional freaks!

So if you're an ugly girl, be super duper nice. It's your only chance. Unless you win the Mega Millions next week....

Thoughts on Research, Pt. 2

2006-02-12T07:47:00.000-08:00

As I mentioned at the end of part 1, I don't think research is a total waste of time. As one of the commentors correctly pointed out, it depends on the questions you ask. Here in part 2, I'm going to expand on this point and go through what I think are good questions and which questions are stupid. And no, I'm not going to waste my time discussing the classic ridiculous questions (e.g., do they stack the plates at the table or in the kitchen? when was the kid toilet-trained??). Everyone knows these questions are silly; that's an old story, and I've got nothing to add to that.

Some questions beg for a positive answer. Like "how are the girl's middos?" Everyone is going to say the girl is a great girl. I've never done research and heard, "the girl's a b***h. Don't even bother."

A more accurate question might be "what kind of chesed does the girl do?" Although I'm not big on chesed, and here's why: a lot of people just do it for shidduchim. There are some girls out there that will be involved in great chesed projects, and then go home and treat their mom like yesterday's trash. In that case, I'm not interested. Charity begins at home.

Ultimately, middos are one of those things you'ere just gonna have to find out about on the date itself. It's tough because everyone puts on a show on a date. You've gotta read between the lines to really get it figured out.

-The same goes for looks. Everyone is "pretty"on paper, and as one commentor pointed out, everyone has a different idea of what's beutiful. If you're into thin girls, then perhaps the question "is she skinny?" is not a bad idea.

-Another couple of awful questions: "Is she high-maintenance? Is she a typical Brooklyn girl?" I've never heard a "yes" to either of those. The best way to find out? See what schools she went to and who her friends are. A person's choice of friends will tell you a lot about who they are. Or, chances are, you'll find out soon enough when you go out.

- I've already alluded to the hashkafos question in my previous posts, and again, questions like "what are her hashkafos" and "is she machshiv Torah?" simply won't go anywhere. You've gotta ask about the TV and the movies. People simply do not lie about that kind of stuff.

-- On a very rare occasion, you might get some dirt on some skeletons in the closet, like if the girl is on medication, once had a breakdown or something of the sort. But here especially, people are afraid to sabotage a shidduch. Very hard to find out about this stuff sometimes. And then there are those out there who could use a shrink/medication a lot more so than the people actually using them. It can get ugly out there.

So again, research can be useful if you ask specific questions. But to ask general, cliched shidduch questions won't get you too far.

And at the end of the day, you'll find out a lot more on the date than you ever will from someone else. Sometimes, just going out is the best form of research.

Thoughts on Research, Part 1

2006-02-09T10:20:00.000-08:00

Before most people even get to first base on a date, they make the obligatory phone calls. Call the other side's friends, neighbors, parent's friends, shul rabbi, and maybe even the rosh yeshiva/morah/teachers.

Is all the research worth it? Is it productive?

One friend of mine got married rather quickly, to his second girl ever. He explained that his secret to success was making lots of calls. "I called NINE people before I went out with my wife," my buddy bragged.

Sound like research is a wise thing to do. However, I think my friend's story doesn't prove much. Here's why:

First off, he's from out of town. Brooklyn is a totally different ballgame.

Besides, even out of Brooklyn, if you call nine people, chances are you'll get the same answers from all nine people. After all, very few people out there "tell it like it is." Especially when it comes to shidduchim. Nobody wants to put the kibosh on a potential shidduch, and then G-d forbid see the same single many years later and think to themselves, "if only I wouldn't have said.....". And considering how rarely you get blunt, honest information about shidduchim, you may have to call 50 people by the time you get someone who'll give a fair depiction of the guy/girl in question!!

Sometimes, people make subtle revelations in answering questions. One person I know, when describing an ugly girl, would use the expression "sweet looking." So if the shadchan doesn't say "beautiful" or "pretty" but "a cute face" or some other vague expression, then you know something's up.

But I think such revelations have become fewer and fewer over the years. Many shadchanim have realized that the potential suitors are picking up on the language, and saying no to all those girls with a "nice face." So even if the girl's butt ugly, she'll generally be described as "pretty."

My experience with research has been that almost every girl is described the same way, something to the effect of "She's not your typical Brooklyn girl, she's not loud, not quiet, has personality, is intelligent, sweet, pretty, and comes from a nice family." And in my buddy's case, he probably did hear all good things from the nine people he asked. Otherwise, he wouldn't have married the chick!

- So is research a total waste of time? Yes and no. Much more to come in part 2.

Should You Be Yourself on a First Date?

2006-02-07T19:26:00.000-08:00

Years ago I had an argument with a friend. I said that on a first date, you put your best foot forward. This means not being yourself totally. It doesn't mean faking the girl out; it just means acting like a gentleman and being conventional. If a guy is unconventional, I opined, the girl may get freaked out because she goes in with certain expectations, and you're better off meeting them, getting another few dates, and then slowly revealing who you really are. Again, you're not pretending to be someone you're not - it's like making a good impression on a job interview. You behave normally, perhaps showing glimpses of your personality, and then you totally let your hair down by the time she realizes you're not a nut.

He disagreed. He said, you have to be you. All the way. If the girl doesn't like you, at least you'll know right away and you won't waste your time. Besides, she might fall for the guy you're "pretending" to be, and will feel faked out knowing you weren't totally being yourself. If you're not run-of-the-mill, let her know right away. Because you also run the risk of maintaining the first-date persona, thinking that she loves that guy, not the real guy behind the mask. To continue the clichefest, be yourself, and let the chips fall where they may.

I certainly hear his side. But when I got married before he did, I felt like hot you-know-what. But then he got married, too, so I had to re-examine my position.

He definitely makes some good points. It's not one of those deals where I think he's totally off the wall. That said, I still maintain my position. Dating is an odds game, and putting the ball in your court increases your odds. If you act like a clown (even if that's who you are - and that's certainly me!), four out of five girls (pulling these figures out of a hat) will say no right away. The 20% - who knows. My way, if you play your cards right, you'll get to a second date, say, two out of three times. Maybe more. I don't know. And by the time you pull out your antics, you've already established that you're half-normal!

His points are valid, but when all is said and done, I am still the Know it All.

More on Connecting

2006-02-06T20:37:00.000-08:00

So here I am, waiting for Steve Cash to put up another post, and it got me thinking - there's more to say about connecting.

Now I've talked about the importance of connecting with the girl by discussing her interests. Let her run the conversation. Nothing you say is so important that it will make or break the date. I know a lot of schmucks who think, "That story that happened two years ago was so damn funny, I have to tell it. She'll be laughing her ass off and then she'll be mine. All mine!" You can have that story in reserve in case the conversation goes dead for a while, but let the friggin' girl run the show.

If you don't get to tell the story, it can wait for the next meeting. And if you don't tell it and she dumps you, it's not like the story would have saved the day.

So that's a recap of last time. Now I gave a silly example of a connection - if she's a Mets fan, and you met Mike Piazza, you can tell the story and bingo, you have a connection. But those connections, while important in their own right, are only meant to put the ball in your court. If you want to take it to the next level, you have to have some meaningful connections.

The stupid connections will get you three or four dates, but too many of those and not enough serious stuff will have the girl thinking, "He's a nice guy, maybe a good guy to have as a friend, but not marriage material." That's because inasmuch as they want a guy with a sense of humor, they don't want a clown. And there's a well-defined line between the two.

So joke around a little, but don't overdo it. And when the conversation gets serious, that's when you make a connection. So when she starts waxing poetic about the meaning of life, yeah, it sucks, but if she gives her take, and you can pull a story out of your hat that sort of proves her point, bingo bango.

So let's say the girl talks about the time her grandmother died, that's when you shut the hell up and listen. When she's done, you say something like, "Yeah, I can relate. I felt the same when my great-grandfather passed away. I also realized then how fleeting life is. I remember thinking during shiva how...." And then, you go back and ask her about her grandmother. See how it's done?

Now a typical loser would interrupt the girl and try to change the subject, thinking that it's inappropriate to talk about death during a date. So he'd bring up his college professor. Or,
he'd talk about his great-grandfather, but never return to the topic of her grandmother, indicating that he couldn't give two hoots. If she brought it up in the first place, obviously she wants to talk about it!

I don't know. Maybe it just comes easy to me. I don't mean to be blowing smoke up my ass, but maybe this is one of those things that cannot be taught. Maybe it's one of those either you got it or you don't.

But I'd like to think that the least you can do is not act like a clown. It's almost as if acting like a clown and making a meaningful connection are polar opposites. Again, nothing wrong with some jokes thrown in here and there, but that can't be the ikkur of your dating persona. As King Solomon said, and I paraphrase, there's a time for everything - a time to be serious, and a time to be jovial. And if you don't know the difference between the two, perhaps you have no business dating to get married.

When There's Smoke, There's Fire

2006-02-04T19:37:00.000-08:00

One thing I will simply never understand is why girls go for guys who smoke.

Even as a guy, I've never has the temptation to smoke. Maybe when I was little when the Camel was still in those ads, but not since. And I find the whole habit to be gross. I hate the smell. I hate talking to a smoker and smelling his nasty breath. I find the whole habit to be nasty.

For some reason, i think cigars are kinda cool. More of a classy connotation to it. But cigarettes seem just plain trashy (besides, I'm sure you'll never see a magazine named "The Cigarette Afacandio" (sp?)

And then there's the cancer factor. The same way many girls wouldn't want to date a guy who's seriously ill, I don't see why they'd be interested in someone who very likely may become seriously ill. On a recent Yom Tov in shul, I sat near a smoker. (It was really annoying how, every time the guy came back from his smoke break, my whole section reeked.) When I saw the guy hug his three-year old, I got a bit freaked out, thinking about the health risk and all.

And the other argument made against smokers is a total lack of self-control. After all, this guy realizes he's doing something that's potentially very harmful, and he's not doingmuch about it.
Instead, he just embraces his ta'avos.

Now, some may argue that almost every guy embraces their taavos in one form or another. There are guys who are addicted to lashon hora. Or porn. Or movies. Or sports. Or the occasion obese guy who has a serious food fetish. People get very obsessive these days, and don't do much about it. So why is smoking any different?

Ultimately, it comes down to the fact that there's a physical, not spiritual health risk at hand, and yet the guy is still ignoring it. Now, you migh say, what if the guy got into smoking when he was a teenager, tried everything he possibly could to kick the habit, and it just didn't work?

So to that I say, when there's a will, there's a way. I've seen many fat people stop eating cake, ice cream, and Snickers, and totally change their look. Having dieted, I know it's hard to change the way you eat. But if you want to, you can do it. Same with smoking.

And even if you'll tell me it's harder to quit smoking, still, have these guys done their hishtadlus?
Have they tried various methods to kick the habit? Maybe they just don't care enough. Or, most likely, they just don't wanna quit smoking.

-- The only girls who get a pass? The ones whose husbands don't tell them (or otherwise let them know that) they smoke till after engagement/ marriage. Nice way to start off a lifelong relationship, no?

Note to Singles: Do Your Hishtadlus!

2006-01-31T06:34:00.000-08:00

I hate to be the one to say this, but as Bob Grant would say, someone's got to say these things, might as well be me. Most singles have brought it upon themselves.

I know it's insensitive, given the fact that we're part of a shidduch crisis, but from what I see, there's a lack of hishtadlus, or effort, going on among many singles.

If you're in your early 20s, I guess it's not a huge deal. If your folks get calls, and you go down the list, what can you do? You're making an effort, but it's just not working out.

But what if you're in your late 20s and the calls have stopped coming in? Then you have to step it up a notch or two. I hate when they say, "Oh, nobody's called for a shidduch. Woe is me!"

If you were looking for a job, would it be enough to just sit there and wait for the offers to come in? Hell no! You would be calling people, calling companies, posting your resume, scanning the papers, and doing whatever had to be done to get the job, or so we hope. If not, nobody would feel bad for you because you're not doing what you have to do.

Same thing here. If you're 28 and single, and you really, really want to get married, do your friggin' hishtadlus. That means calling people you know and saying, "Hey, it's me, Chaim Yankel Jones. I'm wondering if you know of any single girls...." Or calling shadchanim, especially ones who have long lists. Now I know that some matchmakers have the reputation of giving you recycled crap, but you never know.

Let's look at some other options. Frumster. Saw You at Sinai. Future Simchas. Put up a profile with a picture! What the hell are these people thinking who put up profiles without a mug shot? If I'm looking for a girl on one of these sites, no way I look at a profile sans photograph. Not because looks are everything, but because no pic indicates (a) I'm so ugly that I hope you fall in love with me through online chats first, then meet and by then not care about my looks; or (b) I'm not so committed to getting married. You don't want the singles who deep down don't want to marry.

So put up a pic and take time to carefully write a profile. Don't try to be too witty or too clever, and none of this stupidity like, "I can't believe I'm doing this...." Exactly the immaturity to turn me (and anyone else with half a brain) off. Don't demand 1,001 things, either. Don't make yourself out to be Mr. Super Stud. Just be normal, which is a helluva lot easier said than done.

Singles events. Yeah, you'll see the same faces over and over. Who knows - maybe one of them is your "bashert." Or maybe there'll be someone new. But from reading the Jewish Depressed, there are a lot of these taking place in a lot of cities. So you can do Brooklyn one time, Queens the next, New Jersey, Long Island, and so on.

Of course, some singles have commitment issues, or are super picky, but that's another problem for another day. But if you are 28+ and single, and really want to get married, if you're not out there doing whatever it takes to get dates, you have nobody to blame but yourself.

Hashkafos, Part 2

2006-01-29T20:34:00.000-08:00

In the first part about hashkafos, I discussed how the question is a dumb question when it comes to either learning guys or to working guys who are fakers.

Now, it's time to address the next group in question: sincere working people. This group is tricky, because you have all sorts here; the types that are very frum and don't want to stay in learning, the types that are sincere but enjoy certain things that others find inappropriate; and others who are even more lax, but at least have their heart in the right place.

But even here, asking about hashkafos will leave you with either a vague or wrong answer. After all, many people in this group are all sincere; they may even all have similar goals, but the difference is where they stand as of now.

So the better question to ask would be about TV, movies, music, etc.

One friend of mine made fun of these questions. He said something to the effect of, "you're potentially marrying a girl, making such a huge decision, and the most important thing is whether you can have a TV? Get a life!"

The guy's argument is flawed, because what's the alternative? Ask directly about hashkafos? We all know that's pointless. Ask whether the guy's serious about learning? They all are, don't you know?

So the TV/music/movies question is important no so much in and of itself; rather, it's simply one of the only questions that shadchanim will honestly answer. It's probably the most practical way to get any read on one's hashkafos. Because most of the time, people don't lie about that (at least not as much as people lie about the question "is he serious about learning?") The smoking question is also somewhat useful in gauging one's hashkafos.

-- One final point on hashkafos: I think people often confuse hashkafos with Jewish cultural associations. For example, let's say a sincere Brooklyn guy gets dumped by a quasi-frummed-out Michlala-type Stern girl for not having the same hashkafos; many a time, the outlooks in life and goals are similar. What's the difference? All about CULTURE. Some girls want a guy who can talk about all the politics in YU, or to reminisce with about those glorious summers in Camp Morasha.

But that's just culture, not hashkafos. It's like someone who's into art wanting to date someone else who's into art, where they'll have that common bond.

So basically, asking "what are his/her hashkafos?" is just a total waste of time. One's better off asking indirect questions, which, in the wacky world of shidduchim, will get you a lot further than asking about it directly.

"Will She Mind If He Turns on Lite-FM Once in A While?"

2006-01-25T11:04:00.000-08:00

Ahhh-the touchy topic of Goyishe music. Or for you Yeshivish people out there, "English music," Good to know Irish, Canadian, Russian, and American music are okay. As long as it's not English, we're safe. Is that how it works?

Anyway, on a first date, I unintentionally led to the topic of Goyishe music, so I asked him directly, "Do you listen to Goyishe music?" (in a totally neutral tone) The guy blushed, and reminded me that that, my friend, is a "third date question." Oh, is that the rule? Great. So I gotta go out with this guy twice more just to find that out?

He ended up answering it (duh-"he's trying to stop"), and we discussed it a little. No big deal.

My point is that although it sounds petty and shallow when you ask about it, it effects everyday life. Every time I get into my car, there is music on. In the kitchen, there is music on. In my bedroom when I am studying, there is music on. Let's say the guy likes Rock and Roll, and I'd like to stick with my Eli Gerstner and Matisyahu- every time we are together, somebody is giving up on his/her musical pleasure.

Also, you don't want to bring your mate down with you. If you've managed to quit Goyishe music, and now your new mate wants to have it on all the time, s/he's bringing you down. On the other hand, is it something to dump someone over?I mean, if it's an 8th date, (what am I talking about-8th date, you're engaged for 2 weeks by then) whatever-and you're serious, and you find out about the music thing, it might be a dumb thing to break things off, but if it's at the beginning, does it make such a difference?

Successful Dating = Connecting

2006-01-24T18:47:00.000-08:00

Ever read those self-help books that look so promising, but 200 pages later, you know nothing more than you did before you started the book? I must telt you, that this may be that kind of piece (although a helluva lot shorter and cheaper than a 200-page piece of garbage). In other words, you may not get anything out of this, so just a heads-up.

What makes a successful blog? You might say humor, but some blogs are serious, and they are good reads as well. Anyone else venture to guess? The answer is - a successful blogger connects to his or her readers. It's as simple as that.

And with dating, it's the same thing. To succeed, you have to connect with the girl. Now how do you do that? Don't know if I can tell you exactly how, but I can offer some ideas.

In shul, the president gets up to make the announcements, and starts off by saying, "The Shabbos davening schedule is..." I told another member there - a guy I hardly knew - that I think it'd be nicer if he started off with a Good Shabbos, welcome to all our members and guests, and so on and so forth. The guy agreed. The next week, when the president got up and started off with "The Shabbos davening schedule is..." I looked at the guy and smirked. He looked at me and smirked, and that, my friends, is a connection.

No, we're not a bunch of homos, but a connection in dating works the same way. Don't talk about your adventures in yeshiva, something the girl has little connection with. So many guys think they have to impress the girl, show how clever they are, how smart, how crafty, and all they do is show off with anecdotes while the girl squirms in her seat like she just ate a bad taco. All the while no connection is made.

Better to fish out what the girl's interests are, and take it from there. Instead, the idiot guys rehearse their material, as if they'll be doing stand-up on Leno, and as far as the girl is concerned, the date can't end soon enough.

So the strategy is this - find a topic that the girl is passionate about, and discuss that for a while. If she's a Mets fan, and you tell her about the time you met Mike Piazza in a pizza shop, she'll be all over you. If you just say, "Oh, I'm a Yankee fan. Did I ever tell you about the time my rosh yeshiva gave a shiur and blah blah blah..." the date will be over. It's all about connecting.

The First Date Dilemma

2006-01-23T13:15:00.000-08:00

One of the biggest dilemmas I've heard other daters discuss is, what the heck do you do on a first date? There are problems with every option, it seems.

How about going to a hotel lounge or a nice bar? Maybe a Starbucks? Many girls have complained that this puts too much pressure on the guy and girl. After all, here are two total strangers meeting for the first time. And they have to attempt to make conversation for at least 3 hours. Good luck.

The old counter-argument is that, if you can't make a conversation with her, then she probably isn't for you. Remember, this is the girl you might end up marrying!

But that's a dumb argument. Love at first sight is almost impossible to find in the real world. Relationships take time to develop and blossom. Many a married person has said how they were unimpressed with their spouse after their first date. And by putting pressure on the girl on the first date, a guy may be screwing up his long-term chances with her. As Know-it-all says, the key is always to put the ball in your court.

One guy I know used to bring a pocket Chinese Checkers game with him to the lounges. This way, when the conversation inevitably slowed down, he would have a way to keep the girl interested. It's not a bad idea, but I think it's too weird. Too unconventional.

And some girls might be annoyed at a lounge date, because it means the guy is too cheap. But conversely, is it worth it for a guy to spend 50 bucks on a girl he may spend 3 hours with and never see again? I think not. Then again, if it's his parents' money anyway, why not?

And that leads me to the next option: restaurants. Here, the opposite effect may occur: if the guy spends too much money on a girl, she may feel lots of pressure. She might think the guy is really into him, and that's why he's blowing so much dough on her.

And then you have to try to find a restaurant that's not too fancy, but not too cheap. It took me a while to find places that have the right balance, and even in Manhattan, I only have 5 or 6 places that I feel fit the bill.

But I like restaurants, because I feel that if I'm gonna spend a night with some crappy first date, let me at least get a good meal out of it. And I'm sure many of the girls feel likewise.

Some girls feel a bit uncomfortable being seen eating. I think it's kind of silly. In the business world, people always meet over lunch or dinner. I don't see what the big deal is. Just grow up. And if you're embarassed about how you eat, then you've got some major issues.

And the main reason to go out to dinner: you can talk about food. Every Jew out there has a food fetish, and two total strangers can talk for hours about food. Takes away a lot of the pressure and awkwardness of the first meeting.

If you wanna go really casual, you can go bowling or do an ESPNZone kind of deal. Some of the frummer girls might be uncomfortable with this. Especially if you wanna play pool on the first date. And I find the whole deal to be a little weird, bowling with someone you've never met. I only did it once, when the girl wanted to do it. I didn't mind it much, except that she beat me. She was very into me, but I ended up dumping her (not much personality -which is likely why she wanted to bowl instead of just shmooze). She probably figured if she could beat me in bowling, then she could push me around like yesterday's trash. No thanks.

And to all you commenters out on the blogosphere, I leave you with this question: what's your idea of an ideal first date?

New Blogger On The Blog

2006-01-22T20:11:00.000-08:00

Hi, my name is Steve Cash. I will be joining this blog. I might not neccesarily write about shidduchim, but the information I give will be good, nonetheless.
Thank you very much to Angry Miserable Dater for giving me a spot on the blog, and thanks to Know It All and Looking for a Working Guy for helping me out.
If you have any questions to ask me, just put it on this post.

"So, What Are Your Hashkafos?" Part 1

2006-01-22T18:07:00.000-08:00

One of my favorite dating nuggets involves a friend of mine. She was on a date, there was this lull in the conversation, and then the guy pipes, up, “so, what are your hashkafos?”

I’ve kinda always wanted to be asked that question, just to freak the girl out. Maybe say something like, “this might not have been on my shidduch resume, but I’m an atheist.” Or, “I’m a pagan, and I believe that a few carved stones in my bedroom are god.” Hey, stupid questions deserve retarded answers.

And yes, the questions about hashkafos are among the dumbest shidduch questions out there, right along with “do they stack the plates at the table or in the kitchen?”

But, why, you might ask? Aren’t hashkafos very important? Shouldn’t the guy and girl have the same outlook in life? How could they get married, otherwise?

First off, at least in Brooklyn, there are two categories of guys: learning guys and working guys.

And right off the bat, most people know (or at least should know) whether they’re getting set up with learning or working guys. And as I will demonstrate, that's as about as close and as clear an answer to the "hashkafos" question that one will ever get.

As for the learning guys, you have two more subcategories: the fakers and the sincere people. The only issue I can see with the sincere people is that you have some people who have very yeshivish backgrounds – Fallsubrg, Passaic, the works, and then there are guys who come from very modern backgrounds and flipped out in Israel. Some girls might not be into them, but that’s more because they’re not yeshivish. They don’t talk with the accent, they don’t have a decent Yiddish, and they might wear white socks or brown shoes (worse yet, they might wear both.) But that’s more of a personality-type thing than hashkafos. Ulitmately, their hashkofos are similar to the yeshivish sincere people, and sometimes even more hard-core.

All this, of course, is assuming the flipped-out guy’s girlfriend didn’t flip out and they had to end the deal. Otherwise, this conversation doesn’t even get started.

And as for the fakers, they’ll usually BS and claim to be sincere. Umm, that’s why we call them fakers. So usually the girl will have to either get honest info about the guy (good luck with that), or just find out eventually.

Things, of course, get much more dicey when we talk about “working guys.”

I think many Brooklyn guys don’t have any hashkafos. These “losers” that my compadres have discussed just fly any way the wind blows. If smoking is cool, they do it. Poker’s the “in” thing, they’ve gotta play. No shailos. No doubts. You’re lucky if the guy even feels a tinge of guilt. "Hashkafa" is an outlook, a view on life. Somebody who just does whatever the hell they want has no outlook on life. He just lives. Not a good thing.

Now, you might say, there are certain things that Modern Orthodox people do that these guys would avoid like the plague. For example, sending their kids to mixed schools. Or, using the Flatbush eiruv. Or putting a kippah srugah on their son’s head.

But, come on. When it comes down to it, these Brooklyn guys are not getting set up with the MO types. There are plenty of Brooklyn girls flocking to these guys. And they’ve all got the same hashkafos, or lack thereof. So the hashkafa question never really should come up.

The only issue would be if they were set up with a Stern type. But those types don’t want each other anyway. So it’s still a stupid question.

And besides, when it comes to these Brooklyn guys, the parents run the shidduchim for them anyways. So of course the kid would never get set up with a girl whose mother doesn't cover her hair.

Now, where things get dicey is for the mushy middle. You have people out there who are deep, sincere people, but still like to have a good time. So they need to know about hashkafos, you might say. After all, maybe they want a Stern/YU-type, or a non-Brooklyny Brooklyn type (aren’t they all like that?), etc.

And so they deserve their own part for discussion. Part 2. And I'll also discuss asking about TV, goyish music, etc. Are those hashkafa questions? Are those better or worse than asking "what are your hashkafos."?

Falling for Fakers

2006-01-19T17:41:00.000-08:00

I always thought girls were smarter. I really did. I suppose I fell for the liberal notion that girls have an innate knowledge - a sixth sense, if you will - to judge people better than guys could.

That was until I saw how many girls out there fall for fakers. As Looking for a Working Guy blogged, there are a ton of fakers out there. I guess she's the exception as she is able to see these guys for what they are, but too many girls don't.

Here's how it works: Everything a guy does to make himself look more yeshivish gains points. So a big yarmulke is a point. A dress shirt is a point. Tack on a bonus point if the shirt is completely white. Dress pants are a point. Ditto for payos behind the ears and tzitzis out. And so on. So the more points a guy has, the more he gets away with.

Based on the said criteria, I must have gotten a zero. I never pretended to be someone I'm not. I came right out and said this is who I am. Because I'm married, the debate whether I did the right thing is moot, although sometimes I wonder if I would have had an easier go at things had I decided to fake people out.

Now let's think logically for a minute. If a guy in a ten-pointer, that means he is showing the world that he is a very yeshivish guy and thus, maintains yeshivish ideologies. This means talking to girls for tachlis only. This means learning in the bais medrash. This means not watching TV, movies, surfing the web, etc. Yet, when they do all these "wrong" things, it shows that they're trying to deceive. So a girl with half a brain will say, wait a minute, something is fishy here.

But the girls I remember in college were crazy about these guys! They looked at me and saw a lowlife; they looked at the phonies and saw big tzaddikim. These guys got free passes all day long, flirting their asses off. Why? WTF?

The more I think about it, the more I'm convinced that if I just changed yarmulkes - from my ugly suede to a shiny velvet - my success rate would have doubled. Because then I'd be a good yeshivish boy. Even though my thoughts and actions would be exactly the same, the girls would look at me in a totally different light. Then again, these girls who went for fakers - wouldn't touch them with a ten-foot pole anyway.

I would like to hear some girls explain to me why they like fakers. Is there an intelligent argument to be made in favor of fakes, phonies, and frauds? Or are these girls just plain stupid?

Whatever the case may be, obviously the word has gotten out that girls go for them, because the number of fakers out there has increased a hundred fold, making it that much harder for girls like LFAWG to find someone normal. As a good friend used to say, "I tried to understand the mentality until I realized - there is none!"

Stop Setting Me Up With Losers!

2006-01-18T10:31:00.000-08:00

According to many, there is a shortage of girls looking for "working" guys. Perhaps because in some communities, there is a stigma in seeking a working guy. These, um, people believe that a girl looking for a working guy is a loser.

As Know It All described, there is no more in-between. So because I am looking for a working guy, they assume any ol' movie-addict smoker is good for me. They assume that because I wear denim even when I am not in camp!!!! I am a bum. Don't mind the girls who wear skirts that barely cover their knees, and boots that make them look like they belong on a street corner. They're fine. But me? I wear denim.

I do not want to live voluntarily like a leech off my parents while my husband "learns" a.k.a sits around with the other guys with rich in-laws, smokes like a chimney, and discusses last night's game. So I am set up with the working losers.

"Sure, I cheated my way through Touro," they boast. "Learn? Nah, I just make them say that so I sound good. Who has patience?" or, "Yeah, I went to Vegas last year with my friends," They are avid movie-goers, and enjoy non-tzniusdik goyishe music. They are sleezy, gross losers. I've been told that if I look for a learning guy, I'll get a "higher quality boy." Doubtful. Just a faker. Because I know I can't go for the whole full-fledged Yeshivish thing, although I admire it--the sincere ones. So I need a guy who wears a white shirt and hat every day, and all that garbage, and then he goes to movies and thinks there's nothing wrong with it? No.

I don't get it. Know It All is right. There are practically no in betweeners. What happened to nice, sincere, honest, well-meaning guys who choose to learn at a set time, but are ambitious and work as well. Not addicted to TV and movies, and treat people with respect. Gone.

BTW-disregard that when I get married, G-d willing.

More Advice for Guys: Act a Little Spaced

2006-01-18T08:42:00.000-08:00

I know this may fly in the face of logic, but in today's day and age, this is something you'll just have to do.

Frum girls today are paranoid. I'm talking about the ones who've been through the bais yaakov system, or maybe even some of the more modern schools. They've been taught that all men are evil, all men are out for one thing, and if you can't figure out what that one thing is, you're probably too young to be reading this blog.

So if you're slick, and you know what you're doing, you may have to tone it down a notch for the frum girls. Don't ever come on too strong! Big, big mistake. I remember in college, there was a guy who used to sit in the cafeteria, and all the girls were gathered round him. I was insanely jealous. How did this guy do it? What was his secret?

Fast forward a half decade. Said guy came out of the closet. (For those of you kids who continued reading even though I told you not to, that means he's homosexual!) No wonder the guy was so successful with the broads - they didn't see him as a threat. They looked at him and saw a safe haven. They looked at me and saw a guy who wanted to rip their clothes off.

Now it's true that many guys out there are animals. It would be foolish to deny that. Yet, there are decent guys out there as well, and if you want the girls to think you're one of them, act a little spaced. Don't be such a slick Willy. Yes, the shiksas might be crazy about you, but a Jewish girl is a whole different creature.

If you act spaced, they'll think of you as a safe haven. "He's not like the rest of them," they'll think. So don't be too witty with your observations. You'll scare them away.

But there's a fine line, because if you go too much the other way, they'll have no interest. So you can't act spaced out of your box. You have to be with the program, but not too much with the program. Don't be a big shot. Remember, it's all about putting the ball in your court.

The 19-Year Old Shidduch Virgin

2006-01-17T16:39:00.000-08:00

On a few occasions, I've had the zchus (if you can call it that) to be a girl's first guy ever. With some of the frummer ones, it's an eye-opening (and quite hellish) experience, as many of these girls haven't ever spoken to a male non-relative. And all too often, it shows.

A friend of mine told me that he has a policy. He will not be a girl's first guy. Why not? He doesn't want to be a guinea pig.

Is it fair to just rule out all girls that have never gone out? Besides, if every guy had this policy, that would just screw everything up (unless you made the first-timer girls only go out with first-time guys, in which case you'd have a lot of people quitting dating rather quickly). So I'd like to give my take on this policy, and shidduch virgins in general.

I think many girls start dating too early. The shidduch virgins I went out with were usually very nervous and shy. It made for a lousy outing, except for the one I dated during the World Series (and even there, the TV was at a lousy angle from where we were sitting). And even the ones that were confident enough to talk to a guy were immature. They had no idea what their goals were.

I've thankfully never dealt with this, but you've also got the ones that just flipped out in sem and are going to revert back to normal at some point. Till then, only a learning guy will suffice.

Are there guys that start too early? Yes. But it's much less prevalent than among the girls, where someone 21 and single is part of the crisis. A guy can start at 21, 22, 23, it's not a big deal. And besides, almost any guy or girl is more mature at 22 than at 19. It's just a fact of life. Are there some people who are always very mature and some people who will always act like babies? Yes. But most people change, even ever subtly, especially at this time in their life.

There was a 20-year old girl in my neighborhood that I was very interested in. I asked someone about her, and she said "she's not going out till next year." I respect the heck out of this girl. She realizes that marriage is a big decision, and is willing to wait till she feels ready enough to confront its challenges.

Yes, there are some girls who get married very young and seem happy. What's the deal? First of all, they might be the rare mature ones. Second, who said they're married to a mature guy? Or a deep guy? Or someone with goals? You often see this kind of deal when the guy is living off his parents and in-laws for a while. So they'll just play house. No big deal. As long as everyone's happy. (Sorry about that last line, I know I sound like that pareve girl I mentioned in my last post.)

-- So my take on the first-timers? I have no problem with them, as long as they're mature and ready to get married. Which means I probably wouldn't go out with at least 75% of them.

Advice for Singles: Learn to Flirt

2006-01-17T09:46:00.000-08:00

Back in my dating days, I always said that the key to my success was putting the ball in my court. Yes, it's an awful idiom, but it's true. When I was 19 I read Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus. It taught me how to talk to girls. Now if I were a complete loser, it wouldn't have helped, because it only takes you so far. But it gives you an advantage. Like I said, it puts the ball in your court.

I'm not suggesting that you all go out and read the book. If you want to, go ahead. But there are many other ways to learn how to communicate with the opposite sex. I say, do your hishtadlus and find out! Sure, there were girls who said no to me because they didn't buy into my charm. (They were probably too smart for me anyway. So who needs an intellectual snob?) But there were girls who said yes even though it wasn't happening. Because I knew what I was doing.

I know I sound smug, and I apologize, but I'm telling you, I came a long way since I was a teenager, who never spoke to a girl in his life. I was a mess. My first year in college, I was intimidated when I saw girls. I didn't know what to say. I was so nervous that every time I opened my mouth I made an ass of myself. Luckily those girls graduated and a new crop came in the next year. By then, I had read several books so I knew what to do, what to say, what not to say, and the girls were lining up outside my door. Well, not exactly, but I was a thousand times better off.

So if you're a girl who gets turned down a lot, or a guy who keeps hearing no, learn the tricks of the trade. Learn to flirt. Granted you won't become the second coming of Brad Pitt, but you'll gain some small advantages that will add up. Because sometimes a guy/girl has to get to know you before he/she likes you, and if you can't get past the first couple of dates, you'll never reach that point. Get into a position where you can get to dates 3 and 4 without a hitch, and by then, if you like what you see continue, and if not, dump. And if you get dumped, at least you know that he/she got to know you and saw it wasn't a match.

If I never learned how to flirt, I'd be browsing through Frumster right now instead of writing this blog.

Take Me HOME!!!

2006-01-16T16:33:00.000-08:00

There are times when I am out with a guy, and an hour into the date, I am so ready to go home. Not just because I am drained for being 10x more outgoing than my usual outgoing self, but because the guy is a total loser.

However, the official Shidduch rules state that it is the boy's job, and ONLY the boy's job to decide when to end the date. So, we're in the lounge, and he's yabbering on about which movie he saw last, and trying to describe the plot, and I just wanna get the hell outta there. But no. I can't just stand up, and head toward the door.

I have to sit there. And listen. And make believe to care, "Oh, so that was Mel Gibson who played the..." and manage to change the subject without seeming totally bored by the guy. So 10:00 rolls around. I'm freakin exhausted from the date, and from the pre-date jitters that are quite draining, by the way. I know I am totally saying "no" to this guy. Yet, I wait. FINALLY, the guy stands up. "Oh, just fixing my pants," he explains. Before he can return to his seat, I rise, and say, "Well, that's okay, we can go now," and spend the rest of the night feeling guilty that I was the one who wrongfully "ended" the date.

The In-Betweeners: The Last of a Dying Breed

2006-01-16T09:39:00.000-08:00

Of the three contributors to this site, I am the only married one, hence the username Know It All. I am 28, been married over five years, but not so out of touch that I don't know what the hell's going on.

I must say, though, that things have really changed since my day, 1997-2000. Back then, there were plenty of guys in Crooklyn who learned during the day, went to college at night, weren't yeshivish, but weren't bums either. They were serious in the bais medrash, and afterwards, they knew how to have fun in a kosher way. Yes, they talked to girls in college, but that's where it ended. They went to movies, watched TV, but they weren't bummy guys. They didn't walk around like the idiots who work at Hat Box. They didn't try to show everyone that they were so frum. They did what they did and made no apologies. And you know what? No apologies were necessary.

That was back then. Nowadays those guys don't exist anymore, at least not in Brooklyn.

Nowadays those same guys would have gotten thrown out of high school, so they'd end up smoking on Ocean Parkway on Friday night. Again, they were not bad guys. I'd be thrilled if my daughter married some of these guys. But in 2006, watching TV doesn't fly. So their options in high school are to (a) get chucked and bum out; (b) become fakers; or (c) frum out and end up in Flakewood.

In 2006, if you're what I like to call an in-betweener, you can't last in high school, and when you're of shidduch age, you get crucified. You get offered garbage. Sluts.

Again, these are what the high schools are churning out: (a) outright bums; (b) fakers; (c) yeshivish guys. A girl in Crooklyn College tells me that the guys there are mostly bummy - the serious guys go to Touro. What about a good, wholesome, sincere guy who learns but also enjoys movies? Non-existent.

There may be a few single in-betweeners left, but they are the last of a dying breed.

"To Each His Own"

2006-01-16T07:51:00.000-08:00

"You've got to stand for something, or you're gonna fall for anything" -John Mellencamp

To get you all interested, how about starting with a story? I've had my fair share of dates from hell, so I'll share some with you as the blog progresses.

A while back, I had a Motzei Shabbos date. I have mixed emotions when it comes to dating on Saturday night, which is a piece of its own. But basically, on one hand, it's the easiest night to go out in that, I don't feel pressured to end at a certain time so I can get up the next morning, because Sunday is a nothing day anyway. But I hate how, right after Shabbos you feel like you have to start getting ready. No chance to chill.

Making matters worse, this girl lived far from my place. So in addition to the "right-after havdala" rush, I had to drive an hour-plus to get to her place. Lovely.

So I go, I hit traffic, I call to say I'll be late, i come pretty late, whatever. She lived in some suburban area, so I make the right turn at the big intersection, squint like crazy to find the right street to turn on, (and narrowly avoid hitting somebody in the process), and finally find the house in some circle, (or she called it, a "cul de sac" -- for some odd reason, people like her never speak French otherwise, just when describing their houses).

So I meet the parents (nice people, no interrogation), see the girl, and we're off to some hotel in the area. We find a couple of seats in the lobby, and the fun (or lack thereof) begins.

I was once at a Bar Mitzvah, bored, and some speaker got up. One of those types that doesn't really know how to speak. Let's just say I counted 44 "you know"s in that speech. Reminded me of that old James Thurber piece I read in 6th grade or sometime around then.

Now to begin with, I wasn't crazy about the looks. She had glasses that haven't been cool since "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?" was the hottest show on TV. But the thing that got to me most was that, with every topic that came up, her response was, "To each his own." Conservative and Reform jews? "To each his own." Brooklyn people who aren't spiritual? "To each his own." Bais Yaakovs that care more about their image than anything else? "To each his own." Satmar chassidim? "To each his own." Girls who flipped out in Israel? "To each his own." College kids that get drunk every night? "To each his own." Osama Bin Laden and al-Qaeda? "To each his own." (Okay, I made the last one up.)

As if i didn't get the point, she even said once, "to each his own, that's my motto." Gee thanks, as if i couldn't figure it out myself.

I understand that some people want to be more pareve on a first date and don't wanna come across as negative or cynical. That's fair. Everyone wants a yes. But saying the same old tired cliche 30 times does not get you a "yes" in my book. For that matter, I don't see how it will get a "yes" in anybody's book. It just annoyed the hell out of me. Everything has to be in moderation, guys. Even being moderate.

The Shidduch System Sucks

2006-01-15T10:18:00.000-08:00

Welcome to the newest and angriest blog on the Orthodox Jewish blog scene, "We Hate Shidduchim." We are a single guy and a single girl venting about all the crap that goes on in the shidduch system.

You know what I mean, "gorgeous" girls who look like the "before" picture in a Trimspa ad, "bubbly" girls boring you about their third cousins who came over for Pesach fifteen years ago, debating whether to wear this, wear that, annoying parents that interrogate you like you're in Gitmo or something, saying yes, saying no, and my favorite, trying to figure out what the hell to do on the date (especially with people who say "oh, whatever you want," and inside are thinking, "If this schmuck takes me to a friggin' lounge, I am gonna dump his cheap ass the minute I come home.")

So if you wanna hear about the shidduch system, warts and all, or, should I say, just the warts, this is place to be!